PADOREC

Several years ago, I was Best Man in a wedding. If you know the rules of weddings, you know that this position comes with the requirement that you give a speech. I was very nervous. I needed to nail this speech for my friend. I read articles, read example speeches, I even read Buzzfeed articles (”10 things NOT to do in a Best Man Speech”). I spent about a week preparing, rehearsing, and working on the speech.

When I memorize a speech, I like to first memorize it robotically. Let me give the speech verbatim a couple dozen times. This drills the structure into your head. Then, you can start to free up a bit. Add in some “um’s” some, “uhhs”, or even just some pauses. Add some humanity. You can even change up the language a bit, because you know intuitively where you’re going. Sure, you’ve got some key phrases because you like how that particular turn of phrase sounds, but as long as you know where you’re starting, where you’re finishing, and the stops you’re making along the way, you’re good. You even know which parts to cut in case the speech is running a bit long.

Then, the final step is to move away from the printed speech, and move to a notecard. Obviously you don’t write the entire speech out. That would be a TERRIBLE mis-step. You write the highlights, and you only need it in case you get lost or frazzled. For example, my Best Man Speech looked something like this:

• Hey Everyone
• Doesn’t she look beautiful?
• Friends in High school
• Fishing – Heron
• Golf – Divot
• Meet, obsessed
• Happiest with her
• Love isn’t finding…
• Raise glasses

Okay, so we’ve established a process for writing a speech. Given that the title of this essay is “On Memory”, and I’m belaboring the process I went through to learn this speech, you’re probably expecting me to tell a story about how I botched the speech. Froze up and failed. Well, that’s not what happened at all. I gave the speech, and in my memory, it went perfectly. I spotted a few people crying. It was a solid blend of humor and warmth. And it finished reminding everyone what love is. The Maid of Honor felt upstaged (she reacted as such, at least). The speech was great, and I was proud of it, and most importantly, I was happy that I could in some small way honor my friend. That’s what a Best Man speech is really about.

The connection to memory starts the following morning. My Dad told me it was a great speech, and he sent me the video he took of it so I could watch it.

Why on earth would I watch that video? I have a lovely, first-person memory of that moment. I blacked out a bit (as I always do when speaking in public – the memory portion of my brain shuts off a bit for some reason), but I remember how I felt, and I remember how I felt I made everyone else feel. I have a wonderful, lovely memory of that speech. Why would I spoil it by watching a video of it?

Video memory is technical memory. It’s remembering the facts. “You said this. There was some laughter. You then said this. The woman in the front row wiped away a tear.”
None of that is emotion. None of that is the important part of memory. Maya Angelou said “They won’t remember what you said. They’ll remember how you made them feel.” (tk: verify quote) Photo and video memory removes all of that. Don’t get me wrong, photos and videos are great for showing others what we’re up to. A well taken photograph can convey majesty and emotion. But a third-person photograph will destroy your first-person memory. The moment you see a video of something you did, you start to lose the first-person memory and you begin to remember the video.

We have a tendency to take videos and photos of ourselves seeing what we’re seeing, instead of just taking a photo of what we’re seeing. That makes it personal. Otherwise your photograph of the Grand Canyon is pointless, and you’d be better pulling a professional photograph of the Grand Canyon from Google Images. But I would disagree with that sentiment. It’s true that your photo is not as good as a professional using a $12,000 camera who has 17 years of experience. But your photograph is from YOUR first person. They are great for reminding you of the moments you had. When we take a photograph, it serves as documentation for others, but it serves as a reminder for ourselves.

I will continue to take plenty of photos and videos. But when you are in an incredible place and you take a photo of yourself there, I’d urge you to then turn the camera around. Share the photo of yourself with your mother, grandmother, cousins, and friends. But the photos from your point of view – those are special. Those are the ones you should save for yourself. Sure, a low quality photo of a canyon in the middle of Idaho under a highway overpass may not be interesting, or even particularly good. But for me, it reminds me of the freedom I felt in July 2020 when I took off on a road trip across the country. To most, it’s a beige dessert. To me, it’s freedom.

TANR. There. Are. No. Rules.

One of the hardest truths to accept in the transition from childhood to adulthood is that there are no longer any rules. You have total autonomy on how to spend your life. That is a fact that is grasped from an early age when it comes to fun things. “You can just play video games all day?” But the negative side is not fully considered. If you want to be successful in any way in life, you must put in the work, and you have to determine the rules that you have to follow.

Now, on the flip side: you get to determine the rules that you follow. There is no rule that says that a 23 year old can’t disrupt a decades old industry. There is no rule that say that a 45 year old can’t go back to school to learn to cook. There’s nothing that says you have to have kids, or that you can’t have 13 kids. Once you reach adulthood, everything is up to you. You set your own rules, and that can be both freeing and terrifying. Part of taking responsibility for your life is that you gain responsibility for making it great, but you also must assume responsibility if your life is not going how you wish it to.

There are a few rules that society imposes – things like decorum, or laws. Some are general guidelines, and others are steadfast punishments. If you choose to murder, that is actually your choice, but if you are caught – you will go to jail, or even lose your own life. Nevertheless, that is technically a decision you get to weigh.

Less stark are things like “don’t wear your headphones while someone is talking to you.” Sure, doing so will make you a dick, and will make people less likely to talk to you – but that isn’t a steadfast rule. It’s just a decision with a pretty firm set of consequences.

None of this really goes beyond the “you get to make every decision in your life” type of drivel you get from plenty of self-named self-help gurus. Where this really becomes important is when you are deciding what life you want for yourself. The most common “rule” that people follow is commonly known as the American Dream. Go to college, get a job, get married, have kids, buy a house, grow old, die. The people who break these molds get some common names. Drop out of college? You’re a dropout. Choose not to work? You’re a vagrant or a leech. Don’t want to get married? You’re an old maid. Don’t want kids? You’re selfish.

But things are changing – entrepreneurs are bucking all sorts of molds. They are starting companies at age 20. Bill Gates and Mark Zuckerberg both dropped out of college (granted, that college was Harvard, and they did it to run their businesses). Thousands of entrepreneurs decide to take a path of uncertainty, and skip getting a job. Solopreneurs are doing what they love in order to avoid soul-sucking work – the gig economy has changed how we view work itself.

The point of all of this is that while we often feel there are steadfast rules we must follow, in reality we get to make up all the rules. Hate a customer of yours? You can just choose not to serve them any more. Hate the business you’re in? You can just quit and start looking elsewhere. We call the people that do things like this “risk takers” or “crazy”, but really, they’re living life by their own rules. They’re making their own life, and they’re finding meaning where they can.

The rules that often make us most unhappy are the rules that are unwritten. Very few people are unhappy that murder is illegal. But a vastly larger number are unhappy with the idea that they must have a job, even if they hate it. There were entire generations of gay men who married women and had kids, only to eventually realize it’s okay to be with the man they love.

What rules are you following that make you unhappy? How could you start working your way away from them? And are you ready for the reactions that others will throw your way when you start doing what makes you happy?